On Death

Having chronic depression and anxiety, I think about death often. I consider it my next and final move. Then I toss the idea aside every time. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, or anything like that. I believe what comes after death is nothing. Not a black nothingness, because black would be something. Just nothing. No observing turns of the world or the passing of days, no watching my family grow and move on without me, and no second chances. And I can’t handle the thought of that. I know that the pain that I’m feeling everyday would be nothing compared to the pain I would bring my loved ones if I gave up. And I know that I can find solutions to the problems that I’m facing, and things have a chance at getting better, which can’t be true if I die. The pain would be gone but so would everything else, and that trade will never be worth it. Going through life and facing my fears terrifies me to no end, but giving up is something that I just can never do. My family gives me a reason to keep going and to push death out of my thoughts. I hope you have something to keep you going as well.

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Effectiveness of Antidepressants

My brain chemistry is something that my doctors like to play with and experiment with, as I’m sure many of you can relate to. Since I was 16, I’ve been on nearly a dozen medications, none of which have worked for me. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist just today and I’ve now been prescribed with a cocktail of four different medications- Zoloft, Prozac, Zyprexa, and Hydroxyzine for anxious nights where I can’t seem to fall asleep.

I’ve been on Zoloft for nearly three years now, on varying doses, and it’s never done anything beneficial for me. I was put on Prozac earlier this year for a month or two and it didn’t seem to do anything either. Zyprexa is new to me, and not something that I was expecting to be prescribed with considering it’s an antipsychotic, so I’ll update you on how that works for me later on. And Hydroxyzine is the one medication that I’m on that I’m a fan of, although it does seem to lose its effectiveness the more you take it.

What about you guys? Have any of you been prescribed an antipsychotic for anxiety or depression, and if so have you found success from it? I’d really like to know!

Anxiety in Disguise

It took me years to realize that the symptoms that followed me in day-to-day life were from a cocktail of anxiety and depression. The depression was more obvious- it feels like nothing else. The anxiety, on the other hand, can produce symptoms that are common in many other ailments. My main symptoms, for example, were nausea, a racing heart, and trouble breathing. I went to several doctors, I had a scope done a few days before my 14th birthday to check for intestinal abnormalities, and I was finally given a diagnosis of acid reflux and asthma. I was put on medication which, unsurprisingly, did nothing. None of my doctors connected the dots. I have a history of anxiety and mental illness in my family, and the symptoms only bothered me before and during school.

I guess what I’m saying is that there are people out there with symptoms just like mine who don’t realize they have anxiety, and therefore can’t get the help they need. It’s not always obvious. There’s also not always a trigger, and it can appear out of nowhere. I figured out my diagnosis myself, and all of a sudden my constant fidgeting and restless mind made sense to me. I stopped taking my acid reflux medication and using my inhaler, and instead focused on bettering my way of thinking and the way I interact with people, since my anxiety is mostly social.

Especially in my case, where I’ve had persistent anxious thoughts throughout my entire childhood, it can be hard to tell when it’s developed into a full-blown disorder. The symptoms that anxiety brings don’t always make sense if you’re trying to find a physical cause, and the same mistake can be made by doctors. Some common physical symptoms of anxiety can be: nausea, shaking, sweating, rapid heartbeat, random crying, and insomnia. You can experience all of them or just a few, and they can be caused by a trigger or come from out of nowhere. Either way, if you believe you have an anxiety disorder and you haven’t already talked to a doctor, do that. I made the mistake of avoiding it, and I didn’t realize what tremendous benefits could come from the right balance of therapy and medication. Anxiety is very treatable, and it will get better.

How to Fall in Love

It’s called falling in love for a reason. You have to let yourself be vulnerable. You have to open yourself up and let them see all the good, bad, and embarrassing things about you, and they have to do the same with you. The more you open up, the deeper you fall. It can be the most gradual thing in the world, like it was for me, or it can be pulled off quick like a band-aid. That part is up to you.

You have to remember that those feelings in the beginning, after the nerves subside, are the most addicting feelings in the world. And for the most part, they do go away. It’s new love and it’s infatuation. What’s left behind should be partnership in its truest form, respect, and, yes, love. Love can transform, it bends and molds itself according to each relationship. It’s different every time. And nothing’s stopping it from changing a million times in the same relationship. It changes with you, often without you even realizing it.

After that exciting and warm beginning phase of love, it’s not the love that matters so much in the relationship. Love won’t keep you together. It’s the foundation you build while the love is still in its infancy that matters, and the determination and hard work is what keeps you going.

Amateur Poem

I’ve known you for a day,

but what really do I know?

I know that your crooked smile

and your crooked laughter

are the reasons that birds chirp

so happily at the sun-rise.

I know your baby complexion

and crystal eyes,

are why the skies compete in beauty

day and night.

 

I’ve loved you for a month,

but what really do I know?

I know the flutters I feel

when your body presses lightly against mine,

and how it feels to want you.

I know how your nervous fingertips

love clinging to my shaking palm,

to create our steady union.

 

I’ve been yours for so long,

but still what do I know?

I know how it feels

to fear losing love

and what it means

to nearly steal it from myself.

I know what it is like

to own a pair of clean blue eyes

and to have them own me

in return.

 

I have to miss you now,

and I still know not enough.

With your goodbye,

you curse me with questions

I’ll have to answer by myself.

My dear, my darling, my daring Navy-boy,

you’ve left me.

Where to? Who knows?

You’re gone,

and with you go the happy birds

and the beauty of the skies.

Short-lived Terrible Decisions

I broke up with my boyfriend and got back together with him twelve hours later. I took a job at a cabinet factory and quit a week later- but at least I made $500 out of that. I listened to Talking in Code by Margot & The Nuclear So And So’s for a couple hours (10/10 don’t recommend), cried, and then decided I wanted to join the National Guard. I’m now being bombarded by recruiters even though I keep telling them I’ve been on antidepressants for three years and that temporarily disqualifies me, and I’m probably too neurotic anyways. I changed my major, applied to a dozen new jobs. I considered moving. I scheduled my driving test and then panicked a day before and rescheduled it. My test is now on Saturday and my permit expires on Sunday. Oh well! Onto the next batch of mistakes. That’s life.

Dying Out

My lovely boyfriend of two years. My heart and soul, my best friend since junior year of high school, no longer feels like that. Whether my anxiety can be blamed for this revelation is a mystery to me, and all I know is that I don’t love him anymore. He no longer gets my heart racing when he sends me sweet messages, nor does the sight of him bring me joy. I no longer wait in anticipation for affection, and I don’t look forward to time with him.

Of course something happened to result in this. My birthday, he broke my heart. He got me nothing, then told me it was my fault and that I should find someone better. I said no. A few days later he hurt me again. I don’t even remember how, because I don’t care anymore. Everything’s been slowly dwindling away since then and he doesn’t even know. He’s tried to make up for it. I’m waiting for it to get better, but my hopes aren’t high. I don’t know what to do.